Freaking Out...

It's actually going to happen. I'm actually going to go to Durban. I think I have been in a state of shock and disbelief for the last week.
For almost the entire last year, I have been getting ready to go overseas. First it was the application process, then it was figuring out the right placement, and then it was the process of raising support. Now all the paperwork is submitted, God has clearly shown me that Durban, South Africa is where He wants me to be, and my support is almost 100% in. All that's left is for my visa and travel arrangements to be figured out, and then I just need to pack my bags, and leave.
It doesn't seem real. I told a friend of mine that support raising has been a huge faith building experience as God has shown me that He will provide if it is in His will for me to go to Durban. Now I am beginning to realize that maybe I didn't have as much faith as I thought. I don't think I actually thought this was going to happen. And now, as Christmas draws closer, it's beginning to seem a little more real. And I don't know how I feel about that. I am starting to get excited, but at the same time I am terrified. I have no idea what is waiting for me on the other side of the world. I know exactly two people in Durban (thankfully, they are two people that I will be working very closely with). I have no idea what sort of place I will be living in or what the food is like. I feel like I am stepping into the unknown.
Thankfully, I do know that God is with me now and has promised that He will never leave me nor forsake me, which means that He will continue to be with me in Durban. I know that I have people both here and in South Africa who will support me, encourage me, and help me along. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what God wants me to be doing and that He is in complete control. If I didn't know that, I would probably be freaking out even more than I already am.
Thank you, God, for your sovereignty. It is so comforting to me to know that You are in control of things, even when I try to do things my own way. You are good. Help me to remember that.

Just another quick note...
As I briefly mentioned above, my financial support is almost completely in. Thank you to everyone who has given. I have been both humbled and blessed as I see those whom God has led to join me in this ministry.

Why I'm a Christian

Last night at a Bible study that I attend, we discussed for a bit why we are Christians. Is it because of the perks and benefits that Christianity gives us, or is it because we crave God so much that we cannot imagine life without Him in it? I have been thinking a lot about that, and it reminded me of the process I went through when I tried to figure out why I wanted to be involved in missions. The follow is based on something I wrote for school last year and explains why I want to reach other people. And I think it also explains a little bit about why I am a Christian. Hence, why I am sharing it with you all now.

When I try to figure out why I want to do missions, it seems pretty simple. I love Jesus...I love people...I want to combine the two and tell the people I love about the Jesus I love.
However, it has been brought to my attention that this reasoning just doesn't fly with most people...they seem to want something a little more substantial. Why do I love God? Why do I love people? Why do I want to combine the two? Well, stick with me as I sort through this in my mind. It will definitely be a bit of a journey as I do this, but hopefully we'll get to the end eventually...actually, I would probably be okay with never getting to the end. I would be very okay with that actually. I don't think I need all the answers - it would probably be a bit scary if I did (and really, if we could figure out all the answers, we wouldn't really need God, would we?). But I guess I should have a solid reason for why I want to go tell people about Christ and what He has done for me.

I Love God

So why do I love God? Well, basically, I have come to the startling conclusion that I love God because He first loved me (1 John 4:19). Kind of cliche and the typical "Christian" answer, I know, but it is the truth. I guess that would be the Cliff's Notes version of why I love God. Maybe I should go a little more into detail about how God has loved me and how I have responded to that startling unconditional love.

Well, I guess I should start at the beginning of my life. I was born into a great Christian family...and by Christian family, I mean a family that has quite a long history of following God, going to church, and who basically raised me to love God and follow Him...but I might be getting a bit ahead of myself.

Anyways, growing up I was that annoying kid who was a goody-goody. I was (and still am) a rule follower. And for me, that's what being a Christian was - it was following a bunch of rules. For the most part, that was true right until I was in bible school. 

I was in my first year, and suddenly realized that rules were not going to get me anywhere - well, they would keep me out of the police station, but that's about it. I came to the realization that I knew a LOT about God, but I didn't really know Him as a friend...He was more like one of those celebrities that you read about in the tabloids...You know all the gossip about them but you don't know their personality or quirks or all the things that make them individually special. It's interesting...the more I learn about the quirks of God, the more I fall in love with Him. 

One of those quirks that I love is God's creativity and imagination. You just have to look at the world around us to see that. If God wasn't creative, there is no way that He would have ever have made some of the weird looking animals like the aardvark or elephant or duckbill platypus. While I may not be the most creative or imaginative person in the world, I definitely appreciate God's imagination.

Another thing that I have slowly been coming to love more and more about God is the balance of fear and love He inspires. The more I see what He has done for me, and try to understand the grace that He has given me, the more I stand back in awe and respect of Him. God doesn't have to forgive my sins. He doesn't have to give me grace. He doesn't have to do anything for me. And yet He does. Because by doing those things, it brings glory to His name. I'll admit - this is one of those things that I don't fully understand yet, and I don't really know if I ever will. But the more I study the bible and become more aware of my sin and rebellion and what I actually deserve (death!), the more I realize He is not a god to be messed with. And it's not about me - it's all about Him and bringing glory to His holy and righteous name. 

Another quirk of God's that I love is His sense of irony. Actually, this is something I both love and hate. I have come to the conclusion that anytime I tell God I'm not going to do something, I end up doing it a couple of years later. I look back on my life and just shake my head because it is so clear that God orchestrated everything. There is no way I would be where I am doing the things I am doing if God did not have a clear hand in everything. I would not have completed four years of school. I would not be planning on going to South Africa. In fact, I would not have even applied to go long-term overseas. It's not even big things like that - it is small things like working at camp this past summer or living in residence last year. God must just look at me and shake His head and laugh at my foolishness...He gives me the freedom to do what I want, but He knows me better than myself and that I will eventually submit to His good, perfect, and pleasing will.

Falling in love with God is exciting...it's an adventure. I never really know what's coming next, and it would probably scare me if I did know. I do know that whatever He does throw at me next will be good, though. It might be tough, but it will teach me more about Him, His sovereignty, His grace, His care, and His all-encompassing love. 

So yeah...I don't really know if all of that made a ton of sense. Like I said in the beginning, I love God because He first loved me. I can't help responding to His love, and the more I discover about Him, who He is, and what He has done for me, the more I fall in love with Him. I would probably still be classified as a goody-goody, but now it is a response to God's love rather than because I feel like I have to. 

Maybe that doesn't fully answer the question of why I am a Christian, but I don't know if I can put it into words any better. I love God...what else can I say?

I Love People

So now that I've explained (or tried to explain) why I love God, I guess I should figure out why I love people, because that is a large part of why I want to go overseas.

It's funny...I've never really been a people person. I don't like hanging out in large groups, and I am not one of those people who is friends with everyone. I am kind of picky about my friends and tend to not open myself up until I know someone extremely well. But at the same time, I don't really like being alone - I need at least one other person around so that I don't feel isolated and abandoned (which is interesting, because I am a huge introvert and need my space to think...but that is another topic for another time). We do not even need to be talking (although, we inevitable do start talking), but I just need the companionship of another person.

We were created for companionship. God looked at Adam and realized that it is not good for man to be alone. I love being around other people and spending time with them. One of my favourite things to do is go for coffee with someone. Even before I learned to enjoy the flavour and taste of coffee, I liked just sitting with someone and chatting with them for an extended period of time. This is how you get to know people, and figure out who they actually are and what makes them tick. And just like finding out the quirks of God makes me fall more in love with Him, the more I discover the quirks of other people, the more I grow to appreciate and love them.

Don't get me wrong - it's not always easy to love people. In fact, sometimes it is extremely difficult, especially people who have hurt me or those I love and care for. But, if you look at every person in the world, you can find a bit of God in them. It never ceases to amaze me who I can find God in. I guess it shouldn't, because we all have the image of God in us, although it seems like some people bury it a little more than others.

I guess me love for people results from my love for God. God is in every person, even if you have to dig quite a ways to find Him. The more I discover about God, the more I can see Him in others. The more I see Him in others, the more I learn about Him. It's an unending cycle that just deepens my love for both God and people. 

I Want to Combine the Two

I basically tried to separate how I love God and how I love people, which maybe I shouldn't have done. It actually wasn't that easy either. As I mentioned earlier, many of my discoveries about God and His love for me have come through other people.

Is it so difficult to understand why I want to tell the people I love about Jesus? Jesus is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through His life, He has showed me how to live and love others. Through His death, He saved me from sin, death, and God's wrath. Through His resurrection, He gave me hope and assurance. He is the reason I live. Why would I not want that for those around me? If I truly love others, I should want the best for them. The best I can offer them is Jesus' love. There is no greater thing that I could offer to another.

As you know, I am hoping to be in South Africa fairly soon. In all honesty, I'm not exactly sure what that's going to look like. But I do know this - I am super excited to meet a bunch of women, sit and have coffee or tea with, and simply share the love of Christ with them. Even though I do not know them yet, I am confident that God is in them, and that He will reveal Himself to me through them in such a way that I cannot help but be amazed at the way He works. I can only hope that I can do the same for them and that they will see the love of Jesus in and through me. 

A Time for Everything...Including Goodbyes

I suck at good-byes. I admit it. To be honest, I don't even know how to spell it. Is it all one word? Or is it hyphenated? Or are good and bye two completely separate words? Maybe I should just avoid the word completely...since I seem to avoid the whole concept of them anyways.
This might seem like a slightly random topic, but it is something I have been thinking about quite a bit recently. In the last week, I have finished up at camp, attended two funerals, hugged my sister goodbye as she leaves for college, and am now packing up to leave Calgary and move back to my parents' house. Most of the goodbyes I have said have not been permanent ones - I know that I will probably seem them again in the next couple months, but it is a reminder that soon I will be saying goodbye for at least two years. And I can't exactly avoid all of them.
I wish that I could. I wish that I could just leave without saying good-bye to anyone. However, I know my parents would not be very impressed. They would probably refuse to take me to the airport and leave me stranded in Grassy Lake for the rest of my life...ok, maybe nothing that extreme, but I do know that I can't avoid them forever.
And sometimes you're forced to say good-bye when you're least expecting it. And I can't help asking God why we have to say good-bye. I know that when we're saying good-bye, it's never forever...if we don't see our loved ones on earth again, we'll hopefully see them in heaven one day. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I used to think that I handled good-byes quite well. Just a smile, a quick hug (if you're lucky enough to be one of the few people I let into my bubble), and a short "adios". And now I'm realizing that maybe it's okay to have longer good-byes, show some emotion, and that it's normal to feel some sense of loss.
But even though there's loss, there's always something to look forward to as well. As I say goodbye to people here in Canada, I look ahead to South Africa and the people I will be working with there. As I say goodbye to the prairies (yes, I will secretly miss the brown flatness of Alberta), I look forward to the ocean near Durban. As I say goodbye to my work at camp, I look forward to my new "job" as a missionary. And I can't help but think of Ecclesiastes 3:

There is a time for everything, 

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. 

God does it so that men will revere him. One of the ongoing lessons I am always learning is that everything is for God's glory. It's all about Him. And even if I don't understand good-byes and why we have to say them, they bring glory to God in some way. And everything that God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. It is perfectly complete.
I may not enjoy saying good-bye to people, and I probably still won't really cry and get super emotional when they happen. But I'm going to try not to avoid them either. Because there is a time for them. And there's always something else to look forward to.

Ramblings of the Summer

So I know I should blog more often...give people a little update on my plans. Unfortunately, it seems like not much has really happened in the last couple months. Until I start to think about it a little bit more.
I'm at about 50% of my support right now, which is really exciting. At times it seems slow to me, but at other times I can hardly believe that so much is in already. I am constantly amazed at how much people are willing to support this ministry in South Africa. But at the same time, I don't know why I'm so amazed. I mean, God is so big, and His plans are so much bigger than my plans. And if it is really in His will for me to go to South Africa then the funds will come in. A big thank you to everyone who is already supporting me. You have no idea how much it means to me that you are willing to come behind me and support me in various ways.

In other news, my time at camp for the summer is winding up. I can't believe how quickly it's gone. For those of you who didn't know, I have spent the last couple months at Southern Alberta Bible Camp helping out in the kitchen. Once again, it has just amazed me at how much I have been blessed in my last couple months here. I kind of came here with a crappy attitude, to be honest. I knew that it was where God wanted me to be for the summer, but it still seemed like a job and not something I really wanted to do. However, God just worked a miracle in my life. I'll admit that working with 15-year-olds in the kitchen can sometimes be a very stretching experience for me. Teenagers are just not my forte. I think I sometimes I forget how annoying I was at that age. Anyways, God has been working in me a little bit this summer, and I can honestly say that I love every single one of the girls that I have worked with this summer. They have worked their way into my heart, and I'm just a wee bit sad that they're going to be leaving at the end of the week. Each one of them has shown me a little bit of who Jesus is and what His love for us looks like...something that I was not expecting in the least.

I am constantly being reminded of how cool God is. And how much I have to learn. And how often the people I end up learning from are the ones that I thought I would be teaching. It is so humbling. And yet such a blessing at the same time.

It's slightly strange for me to be blogging. I haven't really done it in about two years...basically since I came back from Sudan. I'll admit I might not be super great at it, or super consistent, but please bear with me.

The past two weeks have been interesting. I am currently in Toronto doing a two week course called COPE (Cultural Orientation for Personal Effectiveness)...slightly ironic because I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with it. My brain is currently hurting from having too much information stuffed into it in a short amount of time and trying to process everything. So I will try and figure out some stuff as I write tonight.

Yesterday, we visited a mosque and talked with an imam about Islam. I had been to mosques before, but this was the first time I really paid attention to what the imam was saying with an open mind. This morning, I was reflecting on what had been discussed yesterday and came to the startling conclusion that I would make an extremely good Muslim. (Don't worry - I still love Jesus and am not in the least considering becoming a Muslim.)
In Islam, it is very clear what is expected of a person. You are to live your life in such a way that it reflects Mohammad, and this is clearly written out in the numerous hadiths. To me, there can be comfort and safety in knowing what is clearly expected of me. I like clearly knowing what is expected of me, and will strive to meet those expectations, even if they are unrealistic and unattainable. Which many of the expectations in the hadiths are. It is impossible to follow all of them. There is no grace or lenience.
Which is why I would be a bad Muslim. As much as I like to try and follow expectations, they can set a person up for failure. As I look back at my journey as a Christian, it is easy to see that I had a tendency to be legalistic. And I still have that tendency. However, I have come to realize that the safety I had in following the rules was just setting me up for failure. When I would fail to meet an expectation (even if it was one I simply had for myself and not one that someone else had placed on me, or else was a completely unrealistic expectation), it would devastate me. I thought I had not lived up to my whole potential. These are often the times though when I seek God the most. It's when I realize that I can't depend on myself, but that I truly need God. It's when I realize that God doesn't even have any expectations of what I need to do - I simply need to love Him and love others.
God is a god of grace, love, and forgiveness.  Sometimes I forget that and I try to go back to the safety of my rules. But there is so much more freedom in knowing that my rules won't get me anything but frustration and failure. I have been set free in Christ, and out of love for Him I attempt to model my life after His. Admittedly, I am clearly not perfect and never will be, so my life is not always a shining reflection of Jesus. However, that's okay. It reminds me of why I need Him and how I am nothing without Him.

Thank you, God, that you have rescued me from myself and my own expectations. Thank you for grace. And thank you for your continuing love and mercy.